July and August have been good months. I have had many rich and happy moments and if I sound like I am trying to chalk up such experiences, you are right. Good times don’t come easily although I also believe that one must go looking for good times. And good times don’t mean shopping trips or anything involving money. I revel in my positive moments and I try to stretch them as much as I can.
Recently, this notion of a positive moment was confirmed in a book review by Gary Tomlinson. The book reviewed is How full is your bucket by Tom Rath and Donald Clifton. Don Clifton proposed the idea that our lives are shaped by the kind of interactions we have. He said we all have an invisible bucket which can be filled or emptied depending on what others do or say to us. When our bucket is full, we feel good. When it’s empty, we feel awful.
We also have a dipper with which we can fill our buckets or dip into others’ to empty or fill their buckets. By now, you should have gathered that if you constantly empty other people’s buckets by saying or doing negative things to them, you will cause them misery and suffering. Filling their buckets with good deeds and words though will give them joy and the more unexpected your act is, the better the recipient feels. So on a daily basis, we can either fill a bucket to make people feel good or we can dip into someone’s bucket and take away their joy. A very simple concept really, and as I read that I remember someone I’ve met who consciously fill other people’s buckets.
I don’t know if I’ve recounted this experience before but it merits retelling. My husband and I sometimes walk around Bedok Reservoir and some mornings we will meet this elderly uncle who is also walking around the reservoir. But what is amazing about him is his unfailing good humour. He shouts good morning to all and sundry and sometimes we can hear him well before we see him. He also tells everyone to take it easy and watch their step and he does this all with a big smile on his face. Few people remain unaffected by his bonhomie and many people respond positively. Imagine all the good cheer going around the reservoir and the park each morning when this uncle takes a walk.
One morning, I watched him approaching us from a distance. In between, a woman was sitting on a bench dressed more to be seen than to take a walk. She also had a less than friendly looking face. My husband would say that I should not pass judgements but you probably know what I mean. There are friendly approachable faces and there are those whom you’ll want to avoid. As the old uncle approached her, she lit a cigarette, completely unaware of him. I watched the old man and wondered if he would say good morning. He walked past her, looked at her warily, as if he was trying to make a decision. Then, as if he sensed that he would not get a good reception, he just turned and walked on without his customary greeting.
When I think back on this episode, I often wondered if the woman would have been unexpectedly and pleasantly surprised by the man’s greeting. It might have filled her bucket. But then again, I know that sometimes no wonder how giving you are, there are some moments when you probably should not give and if you do, you may get hurt. I have no doubt that some people groan when they see this old uncle approaching; sometimes, we just want to be our grumpy selves in the morning and the last thing we want is to meet Mr Happy-go-lucky. So not everyone appreciates his good naturedness and I am sure that it has backfired on him a few times. But that hasn’t stopped him and I guess the secret to his success is to fill buckets with no expectations at all.
But ultimately, making strangers feel good is a piece of cake compared to making those we love feel good. It seems that the people we love are the ones who try us the most. Be that as it may, working towards a positive home environment must be the number one priority in our lives. Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahneman is reported to have said that there are 20,000 individual moments in a waking day, and we always remember a positive or a negative moment but never a neutral one. This is something worth remembering as we go about our lives. We can create a positive or negative moment even as we put one foot in front of the other. John Gottman’s research on marriage suggests that a magic ratio of 5:1 in terms of the balance of positive to negative interactions is crucial for a successful marriage. This means 5 positive interactions to one negative interaction. Educators may take this same ratio and apply it to their daily interactions with pupils. Bosses and workers can use this same ratio in their working environment. We too, can use this ratio in our daily interactions with people.
How can we increase our magic ratio of positive to negative moments? The five strategies are well documented so I will just provide you with the link and you can read about them yourself here.
I think, without a doubt, we all love a positive moment. And I also believe that it’s not hard for us to create a positive moment for others. Indeed, the one positive moment we create for someone may be the one that ultimately makes the person’s bucket overflow with happiness. Or we can contribute one negative moment which ultimately breaks the camel’s back. Would we not rather be responsible for the former? So go ahead. Fill some buckets today.
PS: A week after writing this, I receive my usual Happiness project e-newsletter (www.happiness-project.com) and read a discussion on throwing away other people’s thrash to boost our self esteem. Well, I don’t need to boost my self esteem but I must confess that littering is something that makes me mad. Every morning when I walk along the park connector in my neighbourhood, I get really upset by the volumes of thrash left by party revellers, pious worshippers, liquor imbibers, fast food consumers and cigarette smokers. I must confess that the discussion made me think about picking up that thrash instead of complaining about it, but the truth is I will spend all morning working instead of walking, if I embark on this plan. So my resolution is to be more diligent about picking up the thrash around my own condo when I see it. Read the discussion for yourself here and see if it inspires you too.
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